Inner Freedom
I used to naively believe that if I couldn’t feel certain emotions then I’d be free.
Emotions such as jealousy, anger, shame, guilt, or any other emotions on the lower vibrational scale.
I spent so much time trying to purge myself of these emotions, trying to persuade my mind that I am not a person who feels these things.
Wasted energy.
Because at the end of the day, I am not these emotions or thoughts that appear in my head.
These are normal symptoms of being human.
To stay in those states or identify with them is a personal choice.
I’ve written about letting go previously. The prerequisite to letting go is awareness.
If you can sit there and watch how an emotion affects your being, it’s both an interesting and peaceful experience.
I know, it’s weird to think about watching yourself feel without identifying with the feeling.
I thought Eckhart Tolle was nuts when he explained this in his book The Power of Now… until I actually tried it.
Honestly, I don’t always remember to detach and observe when I’m feeling certain feelings.
I’m not perfect. I get sucked into emotional vortexes too. It could be a couple hours before I realize, “Damn, I’m letting this incidental thing ruin my day.”
That’s when I get out of autopilot mode and become aware. And I can minimize the feeling until it disappears.
This happened to me this past week.
One day while driving, my car engine suddenly stalled. Using some lightning fast thinking I made a turn and veered to the shoulder lane of the road.
Luckily, I was able to start up the engine again and make it home. But this was something that continued to bother me because I needed my car this week to drive to the airport. More on my trip in a bit.
Anyway, the next day I had Triple A take my car to the mechanic.
Even though I made it home, I wasn’t too confident in driving 40 mins to the shop. I’ve tried that before on a faulty alternator and I made it 80% of the way before getting stranded in the middle of a turning lane. Talk about stress and embarrassment.
I haven’t had a problem with Triple A when I needed a tow before, but this time it was 4 hours late.
I was pretty disturbed by this and felt anxious the entire day. I was feeling every bit of emotion that was flowing through me.
I let it take control, but I didn’t let it control my actions. I didn’t pace around all day or yell at customer service or anything like that.
Level minded, knowing that they’ll come sooner or later.
It did affect my work though. It made it hard for me to focus and be productive. I kept watching the clock and seeing minutes go by.
At some point, I had enough. I couldn’t let this incidental thing wreck my entire day.
So I stopped trying to be productive and sat there. I observed the feelings in my body and what thoughts were going through my mind.
“Will I get my car to the shop before it closes?”
“What if I can’t get my car in time and can’t drive to the airport Thursday?”
There were knots in my stomach from anxiety. I could feel the muscles in my body tensing up.
As I observed what was happening, I felt the power of the emotions slowly dissipate. It started loosening its grip slowly.
And eventually, I was able to accept the situation as is and return to a normal state of being.
My car made it to the shop. My mechanic said there wasn’t any majorly wrong. It could be the fuel pump, but it seems to working fine.
Of course, I had thoughts of the same thing happening on my drive to the airport. These thoughts brought in some anxiety, but I practiced observing them and not letting them cloud my mental space.
In the book The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, he talks about “inner thorns”.
Inner thorns are basically pockets of blocked energies from your past that continue to affect your daily life because you haven’t let them go.
One example he gave that I could relate to was the feeling of loneliness.
Singer says most people do more to protect that feeling of loneliness instead of solving the actual problem. Which is to feel the feeling and let it go, without identifying with it.
It’s happened to me.
Some experiences in the past have made me feel lonely. And anything that reminded me of those experiences in my daily life would make me feel that inner loneliness.
When people feel this way, they tend to do things to make them feel less lonely rather than just remove the feeling altogether.
This could take shape in the form of getting into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. Or doing activities they don’t necessarily want to do because everyone else is doing it.
The objective of these activities is coming from a place of getting validation, acceptance, and pleasing others instead of your own self-fulfillment.
To continue the metaphor of the inner thorn, imagine if you really did have a thorn stuck inside your arm.
Instead of having the thorn removed, you do everything to avoid having the thorn disturbed
If the thorn gets disturbed in the slightest bit, you feel pain.
So maybe you avoid crowded areas or places where you might accidentally brush up against the thorn. Maybe you buy protective devices to protect the thorn from moving.
When in reality, you could buy a pair of tweezers and pluck the thorn out of you. Feel the temporary pain and begin to heal.
In my case, this involves being aware of the feeling of loneliness and letting myself feel it. Watching it pass me by because I’m not actually a loner.
This has allowed me to develop a sense of appreciation for time alone and just be more in tune with myself.
Right now, I’m writing this on a bumpy plane ride to Vegas.
I’m flying there solo and I’ll be in the crowd at T-Mobile arena for UFC 300.
One of my clients is hooking me up with a ticket and there was no way I could miss this event.
In the past, I would’ve never done this alone. But after removing an inner thorn, stuff like this doesn’t phase me anymore.
It’s another adventure I’ll store inside my memory book.
The point is that we all have inner thorns we might not be aware of.
If you’re constantly feeling certain ways you don’t want to feel, there’s probably some blocked energy within from a past experience.
When you become aware of it and accept the feeling, allow it to come up to the surface.
Feel whatever feeling that emotion brings and just watch it.
Soon, you’ll be free from the grips of that emotion and experience a bit more inner freedom.
Week 86 Updates
Like I said earlier, I’ll be in Vegas. A client of mine is fighting and I’ll be there rooting for him.
I made sure to get any work out of the way so I could be as present as possible this weekend.
Of course, I’ll probably end up catching up on some stuff in the hotel room. But that’s fine, I don’t plan to walk around all day in Vegas.
I will be crushing a buffet solo. That’s on the list.
And I’ll be attending the fight. For everything else, we’ll go with the flow.
Let’s go Sodiq!
Trust the process, love the process.
Kevin