Installing A New Self-Image
You may have heard the metaphor of the human brain being compared to a computer.
Both transmit information. The brain uses chemicals and a computer uses electricity.
And both are run by programs. Programs that have been consciously or unconsciously installed.
That is the double-edged sword of being human. We can install good programs to dictate our lives or we allow the programs that others have installed in us since birth to run our lives.
Unfortunately, unlike a computer, the brain takes more work than a few clicks of a button to uninstall and install programs.
But the point is, it’s possible.
When you’re born into the world, you are pure without any preconceived notions, and that is the optimal time to create your own programming.
The only problem is your underdeveloped mind doesn’t know its own power yet.
So what happens?
Outside influences install their programming onto you. Your parents and your environment.
And because you don’t know what’s right from wrong and these are people you assume you’re supposed to trust, you accept it as is.
But not everyone grows up in a household as happy as the Brady Bunch.
Lingering trauma bonds and programming from your parents get projected onto you, which form new trauma bonds and programming.
And until you’re aware of them, you have no idea why you act the way you act.
If you tend to lean towards people-pleasing and making sure everyone likes you, there are probably childhood experiences that are the root of that behavior.
Maybe your parents didn’t give you the affection you wanted or made it a challenge to earn their affection.
I’m currently doing some reading into trauma bonds and childhood wounds. Something that we’ll definitely talk about in the future.
But the only way I can thoroughly express this point here is to talk from my own experience.
I grew up a very shy and timid kid. I’m talking about the kid who hid behind my family member’s leg when meeting new people.
My family members weren’t shy, but they certainly each had a healthy dose of narcissism.
So instead of getting healthy support to cultivate confidence, I got criticized for being shy.
For some reason, they thought if they belittled me enough I would stop being shy. Which is absolutely insane now that I’m thinking about it as I’m writing this.
I still remember moments when my mom called me “chicken shit” in public via an emotional outburst.
Instead of the typical, “you can do anything you put your mind to” speech, I got told I couldn’t do things when I had big dreams.
Obviously, the intended outcome didn’t work. It only added to the emotional damage.
Constant outbursts from my mom over nothing, just her own projected pain and frustration added to my once held people-pleasing nature.
But despite all of this, there was someone or something inside me that just rejected a lot of this programming as I got older.
Luckily, I spent a lot of time at friends’ houses with more stable households. I got to see the difference.
That led me to build beginning mental models of how I wanted to act and what a “good” or “bad” person is. Being family had zero weight in my judgment.
To not prolong my life story, this led to the alpha-version of my first self-image.
The Moment of Change
But the shyness was something I carried with me throughout college and into my 20s.
It was something I wanted to get rid of but didn’t know how. Using willpower didn’t really work.
But I ended up finding and reading a book called Psycho-Cybernetics when I was 26 or 27. The premise of the book is that you can change who you are just with imagination.
It was written by a cosmetic surgeon named Maxwell Maltz. As a cosmetic surgeon, Dr. Maltz’s patients came to him hoping to fix some emotional insecurity via an aesthetic change.
Dr. Maltz noticed that sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. But for patients that he couldn’t operate on, he told them to imagine themselves as who they wanted to be. Or the person they hoped to be if they were able to get the surgery.
More often than not, those people ended up overcoming the insecurities they were hoping to have post-surgery.
When I read this book, I didn’t know anything about personal development or the things I know now.
I just took the exercises as a quick fix.
But the first step in changing your self-image involves seeing yourself acting, feeling, and being who you want to be.
For me, since I was shy, I would have to imagine myself moving and interacting with people with ease and confidence while feeling good about it.
I won’t lie. I did this mental exercise for like 2 months every single day and then I quit.
Because I thought it didn’t work. But it actually did.
It didn’t get rid of my shyness completely, but I was able to do things and act in a way that my previous self-image wouldn’t have.
I just didn’t realize it because I was a dummy.
But the reason this works is because your nervous system can’t tell the difference between an imagined experience and a real one.
If you imagine yourself in a place of happiness and feel that positive energy surging through your body, your conscious mind knows it’s only imagination. But your nervous system believes it’s real.
And the programs that run you are entirely subconscious. So the data that your nervous system is transmitting is getting picked up by your subconscious mind, which rewires some neurons and becomes new programs in time.
That’s why for some people who have really negative self-images, a good exercise is to look into the mirror and tell yourself “I love you”.
You may not believe it at first. But over time, it starts to rewire new pathways in your brain and you will start to believe it.
So there is some truth in faking it until you make it… depending on the context of course.
This isn’t an overnight change. Time varies for each person.
Even today, I still have introverted tendencies. But the difference is that I’m okay with them, I accept them. And I know I have the courage to be uncomfortable when need be.
As far as interacting with people, it’s pretty much unrecognizable. I only have a handful of friends who knew me back then and they can attest to it.
But I’m not done.
I have a new self-image I’m working on installing as we speak. I started 4 months ago roughly after revisiting Psycho-Cybernetics. Not sure when the download will be complete, but that’s okay.
This idea doesn’t only apply to your self-image, it can be used to change your beliefs about anything else.
Maybe next week, we’ll do a part 2 around money and relationships. I got some good stories about that.
But I hope you get the main point, which is you don’t have to be a slave to your programs.
And to quote Dr. Maltz:
“Within you, whoever you may be, regardless of how big of a failure you may think yourself to be, is the ability and power to do whatever you need to do to be happy and successful.”
P.S. My relationship with my family is fine. I have nothing against anyone and have forgiven anything that I held onto. These are only observations from my own personal experience.
Week 83 Updates
Not a good month for my clients, 2 fights 2 losses 😅
But this is how this game is, it’s unforgiving. What’s admirable about these guys and girls is that they pick themselves back up to do it all over again.
So some cool news…
I’ll be attending my first live UFC event next week and I may be making a trip to the historic UFC 300 event. May or may not have a client fighting on there 😁
Other than that, still doing the best with what I have.
Trust the process, love the process.
Kevin
Fire